D
Deleted member 11126
Kraken
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Tldr (Men are all virgins and alone and that makes me uncomfortable)
Increasingly, I keep seeing posts, discussions and conversations around the new epidemic of the single, lonely, virgin or sexless man in his 20s'. I see it online, I see it in real life, and I for sure see it on Reddit.
This discussion bothers and scares me a lot, especially with the rise of anti-women/LGBTQ laws, and increasingly 1950's traditional extremism that's popping up more and more. I'm a 20 year old woman and I feel like whenever the discussion on alienation in your 20's is brought up, it only applies to men. Women cannot be lonely; we all have a ton of friends of course!
But I'm constantly lonely. I didn't have a support network for most of my life, and all of my friends either are so busy with their own lives, or are fair-weather. It looks like I have 15 or more, but only 3 are close friends, and only 1 will drop everything to come and help if I need help. I can go weeks without seeing any of my friends; but since I'm a girl, I'm not included in the discussion on alienation. There's alienation where you are by yourself, but what being in a group and realizing that you're only here as long as you play your correct part? I can stick around as long as I'm funny, but if I ask for help with something serious, then I'm a burden. In class, I can't for the life of me make any friends. I had no friends in public school, and I've only made friends outside of my classes in college.
The thing is, those experiences? It's not limited by my sex or gender at all. It's a very human problem, so why is half of the population excluded from talks about it?
Of course men face different limitations because of the ideas drilled into their heads at a young age, but the outcome is the same. Why don't we talk about women who struggle with being alone and on their own in their 20's?
And I think this applies to the sexless part. I'm just going to say the quiet part out loud since I'm so tired of people skirrting around it; the "solution" for these sexless young men is for women to have sex with them, and become their gfs, wives, fwb, etc, etc. It feels like a huge backlash against the fact that women are now becoming independent and aren't tied to their husbands by their hands and feet legally, socially, and financially. If we ignore the fact that not only men are facing issues in the most turbulent time of our lives, we can construct a narrative that this is a man exclusive epidemic. Also, why is there such a huge fixation for men to have sex? I don't see this for single, unmarried women for them to go and have sex as much as possible. Sex isn't that big of a deal to not have, and its a bit creepy and sad that men are told that they need to have sex or else they're not manly enough, or that it's a pressing biological urge. My own father said that for young men, it's just different than for women when it comes to sex. That they need it more than women do. Doesn't that sound so sad? Life is so wonderful and lovely, but men have to have sex for it matter? At that point, are they even better than breeding bulls? We're humans, not dumb animals. Why would we expect men to have to behave like that? And where does that put women? If sex for women is different than sex for men, why do we need to give men that? No one is entitled to someone else's body for anything.
And this need and drive for sex is ironically, part of the reason that there are so many sexless single men who don't a lot of friends. I don't have a lot of actual friends, but I've been friended just because the person wanted to fuck me. I've had friends try and get me drunk to have sex with them, I've had men who, we got along super well, but they started to get creepy because they didn't want a friend. They wanted to have sex with me. That's so horrid for both parties! I want to be friends with everyone, but if I have to worried that a dude is only getting close to me because of what I can give him, it's heartbreaking.
This whole discussion is leading to the idea that we need to return to traditional gender roles because men can't function socially or without a sexual partner. But that thinking limits men, and punishes women. In all of these talks, women aren't seen as actual people unlike the men are. I don't see anyone saying, hey, where are all of the lonely women? How are they doing? What's going on with that? I don't see anyone treat them more than sex and socialization dolls for men. And the conversation babies men! It acts like they are no more than dumb animals that need to get their dicks wet and that no one will ever ever like, so they need to lash out; instead of seeing them as actual people! This whole epidemic of the "single, sexless 20 year old men" is just so dehumanizing to both groups. We should talk about men's mental health, but the solution we're coming to is that women aren't suffering and that they need to start fucking these poor guys and become trad wives.
TLDR: Frustrated with the focus on men only in lonely and sexless conversations, and the unspoken idea that women having sex and becoming their S/O's is the only solution, and that women aren't suffering as people either.
EDIT: A lot more people than I thought have read this post, and things I skimped on in detail for personal reasons are becoming a hot topic which bothers me. I've struggled with making friends my whole life; I was bullied in pre-k for God's sake. I wasted a decade of my life alone in my bedroom, not talking to anyone and feeling cut off from society. I tried to make friends following advice from other people, because I know what real loneliness feels like. I got some DMS that didn't think that I did, but I do. I know what it's like to go out to school for 8 hours everyday where people hate you for things you can't change, where they hate you for being award or having mental issues, they hate you for being poor, and the wear and tear it is it look at a room and know that if they're thinking of you, it's at your expense. I had to leave my first high school because I was being bullied so bad I would wake up vomiting before class. In my second high school, I started to break down mentally at the end. Every week as a senior in high school, I would break down and have to go home. No one cared. None of my teachers thought that there was an issue with me crying and sobbing in my classes so often, none of the new, tentative friends who hadn't been picking on my for their entire school lives cared that I was having mental breakdowns next to them.
I am more akin to a dude in my manners; I do get angry and mean when I'm unhappy. The same things that worked for my male classmates to get help didn't work for me. No one seemed to care that I was so close to losing it all. That's why this whole thing bothers me. There's an idea that women don't really suffer from being alone, that they don't need to contribute to the conversation when it's brought up. I am one of those women who didn't have friends, who everyone thought was ugly because my family couldn't afford decent clothing, and who was mean and jaded because I was treated so badly. When I came to college, I was still so fucking lonely. I did course work, made no friends in my major, and slept an average of 4 hours each night. Even when I started to get this big group of friends, it doesn't really cancel out the lifetime of being isolated, nor does it mean that everyone is close to me. A friend to me is someone who I can hang out with and talk to. Out of that big old group, only one person really gives a shit when I'm in trouble. I don't even ask other people for help because we're not those types of friends.
I know what it's like to literally have no one. I also know what it's like to have lots of people, but too know that if you don't play your part right, you'll be shamed and tossed out. Both are horrible in their ways; like how drowning and burning alive are. The whole point of this post was that this is an issue that is effecting everyone, but is only being applied to young men who don't have sex instead of the wide array of the population.
Men need to have their mental health taken seriously. I never said anywhere that all men deserve to suffer forever; in fact, I think the opposite! Wouldn't it be great if all men didn't have to operate underneath a system that treats them like animals that crave sex, but rather a system that treats them like smart people who can be wonderful, and amazing and alive. We can't make that system fair though in reality without also taking into account how women are treated though. Women are fighting all of the time for so many things - an issue that runs as deep as how society wants us to live together needs both sides not one. If we only care about how men are alone and sexless in an age where our lives are being torn apart, the path forward is one that hurts women and limits what men can be.
Increasingly, I keep seeing posts, discussions and conversations around the new epidemic of the single, lonely, virgin or sexless man in his 20s'. I see it online, I see it in real life, and I for sure see it on Reddit.
This discussion bothers and scares me a lot, especially with the rise of anti-women/LGBTQ laws, and increasingly 1950's traditional extremism that's popping up more and more. I'm a 20 year old woman and I feel like whenever the discussion on alienation in your 20's is brought up, it only applies to men. Women cannot be lonely; we all have a ton of friends of course!
But I'm constantly lonely. I didn't have a support network for most of my life, and all of my friends either are so busy with their own lives, or are fair-weather. It looks like I have 15 or more, but only 3 are close friends, and only 1 will drop everything to come and help if I need help. I can go weeks without seeing any of my friends; but since I'm a girl, I'm not included in the discussion on alienation. There's alienation where you are by yourself, but what being in a group and realizing that you're only here as long as you play your correct part? I can stick around as long as I'm funny, but if I ask for help with something serious, then I'm a burden. In class, I can't for the life of me make any friends. I had no friends in public school, and I've only made friends outside of my classes in college.
The thing is, those experiences? It's not limited by my sex or gender at all. It's a very human problem, so why is half of the population excluded from talks about it?
Of course men face different limitations because of the ideas drilled into their heads at a young age, but the outcome is the same. Why don't we talk about women who struggle with being alone and on their own in their 20's?
And I think this applies to the sexless part. I'm just going to say the quiet part out loud since I'm so tired of people skirrting around it; the "solution" for these sexless young men is for women to have sex with them, and become their gfs, wives, fwb, etc, etc. It feels like a huge backlash against the fact that women are now becoming independent and aren't tied to their husbands by their hands and feet legally, socially, and financially. If we ignore the fact that not only men are facing issues in the most turbulent time of our lives, we can construct a narrative that this is a man exclusive epidemic. Also, why is there such a huge fixation for men to have sex? I don't see this for single, unmarried women for them to go and have sex as much as possible. Sex isn't that big of a deal to not have, and its a bit creepy and sad that men are told that they need to have sex or else they're not manly enough, or that it's a pressing biological urge. My own father said that for young men, it's just different than for women when it comes to sex. That they need it more than women do. Doesn't that sound so sad? Life is so wonderful and lovely, but men have to have sex for it matter? At that point, are they even better than breeding bulls? We're humans, not dumb animals. Why would we expect men to have to behave like that? And where does that put women? If sex for women is different than sex for men, why do we need to give men that? No one is entitled to someone else's body for anything.
And this need and drive for sex is ironically, part of the reason that there are so many sexless single men who don't a lot of friends. I don't have a lot of actual friends, but I've been friended just because the person wanted to fuck me. I've had friends try and get me drunk to have sex with them, I've had men who, we got along super well, but they started to get creepy because they didn't want a friend. They wanted to have sex with me. That's so horrid for both parties! I want to be friends with everyone, but if I have to worried that a dude is only getting close to me because of what I can give him, it's heartbreaking.
This whole discussion is leading to the idea that we need to return to traditional gender roles because men can't function socially or without a sexual partner. But that thinking limits men, and punishes women. In all of these talks, women aren't seen as actual people unlike the men are. I don't see anyone saying, hey, where are all of the lonely women? How are they doing? What's going on with that? I don't see anyone treat them more than sex and socialization dolls for men. And the conversation babies men! It acts like they are no more than dumb animals that need to get their dicks wet and that no one will ever ever like, so they need to lash out; instead of seeing them as actual people! This whole epidemic of the "single, sexless 20 year old men" is just so dehumanizing to both groups. We should talk about men's mental health, but the solution we're coming to is that women aren't suffering and that they need to start fucking these poor guys and become trad wives.
TLDR: Frustrated with the focus on men only in lonely and sexless conversations, and the unspoken idea that women having sex and becoming their S/O's is the only solution, and that women aren't suffering as people either.
EDIT: A lot more people than I thought have read this post, and things I skimped on in detail for personal reasons are becoming a hot topic which bothers me. I've struggled with making friends my whole life; I was bullied in pre-k for God's sake. I wasted a decade of my life alone in my bedroom, not talking to anyone and feeling cut off from society. I tried to make friends following advice from other people, because I know what real loneliness feels like. I got some DMS that didn't think that I did, but I do. I know what it's like to go out to school for 8 hours everyday where people hate you for things you can't change, where they hate you for being award or having mental issues, they hate you for being poor, and the wear and tear it is it look at a room and know that if they're thinking of you, it's at your expense. I had to leave my first high school because I was being bullied so bad I would wake up vomiting before class. In my second high school, I started to break down mentally at the end. Every week as a senior in high school, I would break down and have to go home. No one cared. None of my teachers thought that there was an issue with me crying and sobbing in my classes so often, none of the new, tentative friends who hadn't been picking on my for their entire school lives cared that I was having mental breakdowns next to them.
I am more akin to a dude in my manners; I do get angry and mean when I'm unhappy. The same things that worked for my male classmates to get help didn't work for me. No one seemed to care that I was so close to losing it all. That's why this whole thing bothers me. There's an idea that women don't really suffer from being alone, that they don't need to contribute to the conversation when it's brought up. I am one of those women who didn't have friends, who everyone thought was ugly because my family couldn't afford decent clothing, and who was mean and jaded because I was treated so badly. When I came to college, I was still so fucking lonely. I did course work, made no friends in my major, and slept an average of 4 hours each night. Even when I started to get this big group of friends, it doesn't really cancel out the lifetime of being isolated, nor does it mean that everyone is close to me. A friend to me is someone who I can hang out with and talk to. Out of that big old group, only one person really gives a shit when I'm in trouble. I don't even ask other people for help because we're not those types of friends.
I know what it's like to literally have no one. I also know what it's like to have lots of people, but too know that if you don't play your part right, you'll be shamed and tossed out. Both are horrible in their ways; like how drowning and burning alive are. The whole point of this post was that this is an issue that is effecting everyone, but is only being applied to young men who don't have sex instead of the wide array of the population.
Men need to have their mental health taken seriously. I never said anywhere that all men deserve to suffer forever; in fact, I think the opposite! Wouldn't it be great if all men didn't have to operate underneath a system that treats them like animals that crave sex, but rather a system that treats them like smart people who can be wonderful, and amazing and alive. We can't make that system fair though in reality without also taking into account how women are treated though. Women are fighting all of the time for so many things - an issue that runs as deep as how society wants us to live together needs both sides not one. If we only care about how men are alone and sexless in an age where our lives are being torn apart, the path forward is one that hurts women and limits what men can be.
